priorities and anxieties

It seems like I’ve been neglecting things here, but I’ve been too busy obsessing about things to write or think or breathe. I’m working on tasks to improve our retirement investments, and we are cleaning up our current finances a little. I’m procrastinating on a bunch of small tasks that will move us closer to likely selling our current house; those small tasks add up to a large effort, but I think it’s will ultimately help us. I’ve been scavenging used parts to build a new computer, but I decided to put that on hold due to time and cost. I have been extremely busy at work, putting in lots of overtime in the past two months to move along a few important projects (I’m sure the shareholders appreciate my hard work). So writing has taken a back seat lately, which I’m sure has disappointed my faithful readers’ need for fresh content.

Of course, mental health always occupies a lot of my time. I saw my psychiatrist last week to discuss the tardive dyskinesia and the medication I’ve been taking for it. I explained how is seems like the involuntary movements have mostly subsided due to the medication I’ve been taking, but I still have the semi-voluntary tics that have been present my whole life. Those tics and movements (see this old post) have been more obtrusive in the past few years, increasing during manic episodes, periods of high stress, or in relation to medication changes that didn’t work well. After our discussion, my doctor is not sure I still have the TD symptoms, but the Ingrezza will help act on the tics as well (although I’m not convinced on that). He wrote “chronic motor tic disorder” in my chart, and said that the first treatment for that is typically Abilify. Yes, my old nemesis Abilify, which has made me fatter and basically ruined my daughter’s life. I told him it was a hard negative on that, so at the moment we’re simply not addressing the tics. He also said cognitive behavioral therapy has been used to help with tic disorders, but he was as skeptical as me about the effectiveness of thinking your way out of a tic disorder.

Another thing consuming my brain cycles has been my relationship with my wife. Sometimes we seem to be thinking and working well together, and sometimes it feels like we don’t even like each other. She has a lot of stress right now, and it is affecting things between us. Her anxiety level is very high sometimes, but to my knowledge she doesn’t really have an outlet for talking things out with someone, and she won’t consider taking medication to help.

I’ll end with words of wisdom which I should trademark and sell to makers of motivational calendars:

Smart people make mistakes all the time. Stupid people make the same mistakes repeatedly.

between two poles

Darling, I don’t know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low, there ain’t no in-betweens.
– Billy Joel

I’m in a strange place at the moment. At first glance, my bipolar symptoms seem to be relatively stable. I’m not having depressive spirals, and I haven’t had any hypomanic or manic episodes.

Emotionally however, I’ve been all over the place. It’s too easy for daily events to push me one way or the other, between mildly erratic behavior and sudden sadness. I’ll put myself into a hopeless mood when I listen to a melancholy song or ponder the future of our society. But a small bit of humor or irony at work will raise my mood a little too much.

I’ve been especially vulnerable when I perceive rejection, disappointment, or anger directed towards me. It’s like I stop trusting the people I care about because of a sentence or two of conversation which might be critical. I seem to be looking for reasons to throw relationships away, discarding people and memories like I’ve done multiple times in the past. At my most dramatic, I wish I could run away and disappear from life.

Then again, some days I feel like I’m vibrating with energy. I’ll be overly energetic, working on tasks that aren’t really productive, and putting on the mask to be somewhat social if I feel like it. I’ll be oblivious to this until something triggers the realization that I am being fake-social, and then I’ll immediately withdraw, feeling embarrassed and sometimes angry with myself.

I don’t know if I’m characterizing this correctly, but it seems like I’ve always been able to separate the physical effects of brain chemistry from the lingering emotional damage from childhood abuse. It’s as if I can feel the physical changes coming and prepare for the ocean swell, but my emotional lability sometimes hits me like a sneaker wave crashing on me.

My other issues are still causing some discomfort. I still get episodes of anxiety where I’m terrified of social situations, and I cancel plans or modify my routine to avoid people. My ADHD symptoms seem to be slowly getting worse over time, but I was able to increase the dosage on that pill.

The tardive dyskinesia is also still present; the medication seems to give some relief, but I’m still noticeably shaky and twitchy. I told my psychiatrist more about the mental part of the twitchiness: how I often feel like I need to do these movements, that I get only fleeting satisfaction from doing them, and that when I don’t do it “the right way” I have to do it again. The doctor said he would do some psychological testing next time, so we’ll see where that leads.

Maybe my next post here will be written in crayon from the rubber room.

we’re all okay, man

The anxiety and nervous tics returned today, as my discontinued pills said “hey dumbass, we’re not done with you yet!” I really hope these withdrawal effects end soon, because it’s really fucking with my brain. I can’t concentrate on work, I can’t stop thinking about my brain, and only sleeping gives me a break.

Today, as I’m struggling to draw simple linework in AutoCAD, my supervisor decided to check in on me over the IM. I told him I’m not 100% but I’m better than Tuesday (which is true, I just left out the part about being barely capable of performing my job today). He said he hoped I would be feeling 100% soon.

Here’s the thing, boss man. When you think I’m at my best, I’m not 100%. When I say I’m okay, I’m not okay. I’m never okay, and I will never be okay enough to fit your definition of “okay”. The closest thing to “okay” are the days when I am able to successfully mask everything going on with me.

There’s something wrong every day, whether it’s caused by autism, bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, depression, or some physical problem. I’m never going to be 100%, and I have come to accept that. No amount of medicine or therapy is going to change things, and I seem to be getting worse over time. My goal for now is being able to hide my problems from everyone, and function well enough to do my job without getting fired. Those goals may change in the near future if I am unable to function at that level.

side effects

I’ve been anxious and twitchy for a week so far. I can’t stop the nervous tics. I can’t relax long enough to think properly or speak in complete sentences. My eyes are red from the irritation caused by constantly blinking.

I have bipolar disorder, and I had started taking a different antidepressant to go along with my mood stabilizer. Unfortunately, the new med isn’t going to work out due to the side effects. I stopped the new drug on Friday, but I’m still having withdrawal symptoms.

It is extremely difficult to sit still and do my work while in this condition. My supervisor, who has been very understanding, is letting me work from home the rest of the week. This helps because I won’t have to worry about interacting with anyone in person right now. I don’t need to be back to the office until next week. I’m hoping I will be in better shape by then.

In the meantime, I’m drinking before bedtime in an attempt to calm down and sleep. Don’t worry, I’m still in control, but don’t tell my psychiatrist that I’m self-medicating.