still twitching, still struggling

I’ve been struggling with the anxiety and twitchy symptoms and the jumbled thinking for about three weeks now, and I thought it was simply a reaction from trying a new antidepressant drug. Yes, I’m aware that antidepressants sometimes don’t mix well with bipolar disorder, and this was one of those times. In addition, I had stopped taking an antipsychotic drug at the same time I started the antidepressant.

I finally made it to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. My doctor believes that I have tardive dyskinesia which was caused by withdrawal from the antipsychotic and made worse by starting the new antidepressant. He doesn’t really think it’s a manic episode; I’m not sure, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. Whatever has happened, it appears my brain is more susceptible to TD than in the past. Looking back, I know I have had these symptoms in the past but not as bad. We now know that I can never take an antipsychotic again, and antidepressants are probably off the table as well.

He gave me a new drug to treat the TD, which continues to be disruptive. The severity matches the amount of stress I am feeling, which tells me there is an anxiety component to this. It’s possible that the anxiety is in part caused by my uncertainty of being able to work due to the TD, which creates a worsening feedback loop.

I will take this new drug for two to three weeks in the hope that it will prevent the TD symptoms or at least reduce them as much as possible. In the meantime I am still having trouble concentrating enough to read or write or work or even watch a baseball game. It was difficult to make it through work today without needing to hide in the bathroom or an empty conference room. Fortunately I work from home tomorrow and Monday. I hope the TD medicine has some effect before I need to face the world again.

Sorry if this post is disjointed or rambling, but I’m not well right now.

we’re all okay, man

The anxiety and nervous tics returned today, as my discontinued pills said “hey dumbass, we’re not done with you yet!” I really hope these withdrawal effects end soon, because it’s really fucking with my brain. I can’t concentrate on work, I can’t stop thinking about my brain, and only sleeping gives me a break.

Today, as I’m struggling to draw simple linework in AutoCAD, my supervisor decided to check in on me over the IM. I told him I’m not 100% but I’m better than Tuesday (which is true, I just left out the part about being barely capable of performing my job today). He said he hoped I would be feeling 100% soon.

Here’s the thing, boss man. When you think I’m at my best, I’m not 100%. When I say I’m okay, I’m not okay. I’m never okay, and I will never be okay enough to fit your definition of “okay”. The closest thing to “okay” are the days when I am able to successfully mask everything going on with me.

There’s something wrong every day, whether it’s caused by autism, bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, depression, or some physical problem. I’m never going to be 100%, and I have come to accept that. No amount of medicine or therapy is going to change things, and I seem to be getting worse over time. My goal for now is being able to hide my problems from everyone, and function well enough to do my job without getting fired. Those goals may change in the near future if I am unable to function at that level.

side effects

I’ve been anxious and twitchy for a week so far. I can’t stop the nervous tics. I can’t relax long enough to think properly or speak in complete sentences. My eyes are red from the irritation caused by constantly blinking.

I have bipolar disorder, and I had started taking a different antidepressant to go along with my mood stabilizer. Unfortunately, the new med isn’t going to work out due to the side effects. I stopped the new drug on Friday, but I’m still having withdrawal symptoms.

It is extremely difficult to sit still and do my work while in this condition. My supervisor, who has been very understanding, is letting me work from home the rest of the week. This helps because I won’t have to worry about interacting with anyone in person right now. I don’t need to be back to the office until next week. I’m hoping I will be in better shape by then.

In the meantime, I’m drinking before bedtime in an attempt to calm down and sleep. Don’t worry, I’m still in control, but don’t tell my psychiatrist that I’m self-medicating.