I recently found an article about how shame can destroy a healthy sense of self. This has helped me realize that almost every negative emotion and thought I have is somehow tied to shame.
Paraphrasing the article, the writer says that when a child frequently is shamed, especially by someone he should be receiving compassion from, shame becomes part of his core identity. The child begins to see themselves as inherently flawed or broken, and that they are unlovable and unfixable. They don’t want to show their true feelings, and try to be the person that they believe other people want to see.
I believe this is completely true for me. I was taught that I didn’t deserve the things I had, and that those things would be provided even though I didn’t appreciate the hard work and sacrifice that paid for those things. If I was happy about something, it was only temporary because I hadn’t done anything to deserve it.
I was taught that “love” was conditional, a bargaining chip that could be pulled away at any time if I did something that brought shame to the “family”. No matter what I did, I wasn’t good enough for someone to love me unconditionally. The love I received included lots of desperation, hurt, and sadness; I knew I didn’t want that kind of love. I wanted what other kids had, parents who cared about them but let them figure out how to navigate life on their own.
Soon after starting grade school, I knew our “family” was dysfunctional and abusive, and I didn’t want any of the other kids to know anything that went on at home. I didn’t want to invite other kids to my house, although I conveniently lived 20 miles away, so it usually wasn’t an issue. I was ashamed of my life, and I didn’t want the kids to see any part of that, but my A-mom was always there when she volunteered to drive my class field trips everywhere. Then I felt guilty for not wanting A-mom there, because she did everything for me, and I was an ungrateful little bastard, which made me feel worse.
Memories like these fuel my depression, my lack of self-esteem, and feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. There are no psychiatric drugs that can take away those feelings. You can drink yourself stupid to drown out the pain and the voices, but they’re right there again when you wake up. How am I supposed to counteract these deep-seated core beliefs? I’ve been in therapy several times, which has done very little to help because I get distracted with my daily moods and don’t work on the core issues.
I’m not sure I want to try to work on it. I’ve been trying for over 40 years with no success. If I start fresh tomorrow, and it takes me 20 years of therapy to feel better about myself, but I’ll be dead before I feel better, then what’s the point? Why pay someone to help dig up old memories when they come floating to the surface free of charge? If I eat and drink myself to death, at least I’ll enjoy the journey.