I’ve become very disconnected lately. I haven’t read emails or other blogs since almost Thanksgiving. I’ve written a few posts, but only because I forced myself. I have so many things I want to write about, but I’m not motivated.
I could be learning things during this time, but I’m not. I have a huge list of interesting topics to read or research, but I rarely do so. I have ignored all the movies and TV shows on my favorites list on Netflix.
I have an overwhelming number of small and large tasks I need to do at home, but I’m not interested in taking care of them. I’m disappointed in myself when I don’t have the mental energy to research new ways I can try to help my daughter have a better life.
So what do I do with all my time? Work occupies a large part of the day. Then I spend a lot of time recovering from being at work. I get mentally worn down by the stress of my work and the even greater stress of dealing with people. After being “on” all day, I need time to decompress.
In my spare time, instead of doing all the things I should, I find ways to avoid those things. Sometimes I’ll do geeky computer stuff like looking for old computers on Facebook or backing up my files or finding new applications I don’t need. I sit in my comfy chair with the cat on my lap, trying to switch off my brain and think as little as possible. Occasionally I will dream of being isolated in a cabin in the woods, maybe a pet crow to talk to, with a warm fire and lots of books.
All the creative things, the fulfilling things, the wondrous and fun and enjoyable things that make life seem meaningful … those things get put off for another day, until one day soon those things won’t matter anymore.
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…when I get into moods like this, and they happen often, I find making lists help. Just simple stuff, like a list of your favourite memories, or favourite movies, songs, that kind of stuff. You don’t have to finish them all at once, you can take your time. It took me a few months, for example, to finish a list of my favourite 25-movies. And I’ve changed it a few times since then. Another list I made that helped a lot, was all of the places I’ve lived. Another was a list of Friends I’ve had during my life. Maybe find a notebook that fits in your pocket, and start with a list of the things you want to write about…
It’s great that you have a means to avoid responsibility for a little way. Doing “geeky computer stuff” sounds comfortable.
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