all the things I wanted to do

I’ve become very disconnected lately. I haven’t read emails or other blogs since almost Thanksgiving. I’ve written a few posts, but only because I forced myself. I have so many things I want to write about, but I’m not motivated.

I could be learning things during this time, but I’m not. I have a huge list of interesting topics to read or research, but I rarely do so. I have ignored all the movies and TV shows on my favorites list on Netflix.

I have an overwhelming number of small and large tasks I need to do at home, but I’m not interested in taking care of them. I’m disappointed in myself when I don’t have the mental energy to research new ways I can try to help my daughter have a better life.

So what do I do with all my time? Work occupies a large part of the day. Then I spend a lot of time recovering from being at work. I get mentally worn down by the stress of my work and the even greater stress of dealing with people. After being “on” all day, I need time to decompress.

In my spare time, instead of doing all the things I should, I find ways to avoid those things. Sometimes I’ll do geeky computer stuff like looking for old computers on Facebook or backing up my files or finding new applications I don’t need. I sit in my comfy chair with the cat on my lap, trying to switch off my brain and think as little as possible. Occasionally I will dream of being isolated in a cabin in the woods, maybe a pet crow to talk to, with a warm fire and lots of books.

All the creative things, the fulfilling things, the wondrous and fun and enjoyable things that make life seem meaningful … those things get put off for another day, until one day soon those things won’t matter anymore.