priorities and anxieties

It seems like I’ve been neglecting things here, but I’ve been too busy obsessing about things to write or think or breathe. I’m working on tasks to improve our retirement investments, and we are cleaning up our current finances a little. I’m procrastinating on a bunch of small tasks that will move us closer to likely selling our current house; those small tasks add up to a large effort, but I think it’s will ultimately help us. I’ve been scavenging used parts to build a new computer, but I decided to put that on hold due to time and cost. I have been extremely busy at work, putting in lots of overtime in the past two months to move along a few important projects (I’m sure the shareholders appreciate my hard work). So writing has taken a back seat lately, which I’m sure has disappointed my faithful readers’ need for fresh content.

Of course, mental health always occupies a lot of my time. I saw my psychiatrist last week to discuss the tardive dyskinesia and the medication I’ve been taking for it. I explained how is seems like the involuntary movements have mostly subsided due to the medication I’ve been taking, but I still have the semi-voluntary tics that have been present my whole life. Those tics and movements (see this old post) have been more obtrusive in the past few years, increasing during manic episodes, periods of high stress, or in relation to medication changes that didn’t work well. After our discussion, my doctor is not sure I still have the TD symptoms, but the Ingrezza will help act on the tics as well (although I’m not convinced on that). He wrote “chronic motor tic disorder” in my chart, and said that the first treatment for that is typically Abilify. Yes, my old nemesis Abilify, which has made me fatter and basically ruined my daughter’s life. I told him it was a hard negative on that, so at the moment we’re simply not addressing the tics. He also said cognitive behavioral therapy has been used to help with tic disorders, but he was as skeptical as me about the effectiveness of thinking your way out of a tic disorder.

Another thing consuming my brain cycles has been my relationship with my wife. Sometimes we seem to be thinking and working well together, and sometimes it feels like we don’t even like each other. She has a lot of stress right now, and it is affecting things between us. Her anxiety level is very high sometimes, but to my knowledge she doesn’t really have an outlet for talking things out with someone, and she won’t consider taking medication to help.

I’ll end with words of wisdom which I should trademark and sell to makers of motivational calendars:

Smart people make mistakes all the time. Stupid people make the same mistakes repeatedly.

all the things I wanted to do

I’ve become very disconnected lately. I haven’t read emails or other blogs since almost Thanksgiving. I’ve written a few posts, but only because I forced myself. I have so many things I want to write about, but I’m not motivated.

I could be learning things during this time, but I’m not. I have a huge list of interesting topics to read or research, but I rarely do so. I have ignored all the movies and TV shows on my favorites list on Netflix.

I have an overwhelming number of small and large tasks I need to do at home, but I’m not interested in taking care of them. I’m disappointed in myself when I don’t have the mental energy to research new ways I can try to help my daughter have a better life.

So what do I do with all my time? Work occupies a large part of the day. Then I spend a lot of time recovering from being at work. I get mentally worn down by the stress of my work and the even greater stress of dealing with people. After being “on” all day, I need time to decompress.

In my spare time, instead of doing all the things I should, I find ways to avoid those things. Sometimes I’ll do geeky computer stuff like looking for old computers on Facebook or backing up my files or finding new applications I don’t need. I sit in my comfy chair with the cat on my lap, trying to switch off my brain and think as little as possible. Occasionally I will dream of being isolated in a cabin in the woods, maybe a pet crow to talk to, with a warm fire and lots of books.

All the creative things, the fulfilling things, the wondrous and fun and enjoyable things that make life seem meaningful … those things get put off for another day, until one day soon those things won’t matter anymore.