The anxiety and nervous tics returned today, as my discontinued pills said “hey dumbass, we’re not done with you yet!” I really hope these withdrawal effects end soon, because it’s really fucking with my brain. I can’t concentrate on work, I can’t stop thinking about my brain, and only sleeping gives me a break.
Today, as I’m struggling to draw simple linework in AutoCAD, my supervisor decided to check in on me over the IM. I told him I’m not 100% but I’m better than Tuesday (which is true, I just left out the part about being barely capable of performing my job today). He said he hoped I would be feeling 100% soon.
Here’s the thing, boss man. When you think I’m at my best, I’m not 100%. When I say I’m okay, I’m not okay. I’m never okay, and I will never be okay enough to fit your definition of “okay”. The closest thing to “okay” are the days when I am able to successfully mask everything going on with me.
There’s something wrong every day, whether it’s caused by autism, bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, depression, or some physical problem. I’m never going to be 100%, and I have come to accept that. No amount of medicine or therapy is going to change things, and I seem to be getting worse over time. My goal for now is being able to hide my problems from everyone, and function well enough to do my job without getting fired. Those goals may change in the near future if I am unable to function at that level.
Fishrobber's Latest Blog 