It’s December, which means I feel like crap. Everyone around me is so fucking happy and cheery, and I’m not at all in the holiday spirit. I am easily overwhelmed by the lights and music and happiness surrounding me. Even at home, my wife loves this time of year, and I’m ambivalent at best. It’s a good thing we’re not religious, because that would add even more pressure to act or feel a certain way. I’m trying not to be a buzzkill to those around me, but I need to take frequent breaks from the merriment so I can recharge a little.
My efforts to embrace the season led me back to Die Hard, the best Christmas movie ever. It’s not Christmas until Hans Gruber falls from the Nakatomi Tower. In an act of cosmic synchronicity, the Fakebook algorithm showed me an ad for a Die Hard advent calendar. However I’m too cheap to pay $30 plus shipping, so I made my own and put it on my cubicle wall at work. When December 25th arrives, Hans will hit the pavement pretty hard.
My wife loves Christmas, so her coworkers gave her an early present: Covid. There has been an epidemic at the Super Spreader hotel where she works, and her number was drawn today. She doesn’t feel real sick, maybe equivalent to moderate cold symptoms, which is good for her.
I wish she didn’t feel like she had to work in a physical job, but honestly she’s not really trained for other skills. She could do retail, but that would suck the life out of her pretty quick. If she loves Christmas now, working retail would teach her to hate it. She would love working at a yarn shop or some other crafty kind of place, but they’re not going to pay a lot at those types of stores.
My moods are in a strange place. My bipolar has been pretty stable for a couple of months, but I’m still depressed. In the past few years I have tried several different drugs for depression to add to my mood stabilizer (Lamictal). Unfortunately the side effects – weight gain, exhaustion, movement disorders, or anxiety – are too much for me to deal with. I don’t feel like I want to end it all, but I still feel pretty miserable.
My inner critic has been pretty hard on me lately, and the main themes seem to be that I am damaged beyond repair and unworthy of anyone’s affection, and the idea that I have nothing worthwhile to offer to friends, family, coworkers, or the world. Sometimes people around me make that feeling worse when I can’t possibly fulfill their expectations, and they don’t seem to value the things I can contribute.
Okay, this was supposed to be short, so that’s all for now.
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