We’ve all heard the old saying: “Wherever you go, there you are.” Most people don’t give it much thought, but it’s been a theme in my life since I can remember. I have had a lot of challenges in the past; sometimes I was able to solve the problem, but other times I felt like everything was overwhelming and there was no way I could make things come out okay. When I get that feeling, I get the urge to discard things, to run away, and to change my life to avoid being hurt again. The escape can be physical or emotional; it can sometimes be immediate and hurried, or maybe a slower process over a period of time. But when you run away, it’s still your life, and all the things you try to leave behind are still following you when you turn around.
During grade school, instead of solving conflicts and problems with students and teachers, I managed to convince my A-mom to get me transferred to another elementary school in town. I decided to enroll in college out of state despite the financial and logistical problems because I wanted to leave my A-mom and my hometown behind, but ultimately I had to return, feeling defeated and depressed.
While in a relationship during college, I chose to run away by myself rather than stay and talk through a difficult time with my girlfriend, and she broke up with me. In another example, I was frustrated by the emotional barriers a girlfriend was creating, and I decided to throw away a meaningful relationship when a choice had to be made between two people, then the other girl I chose soon drifted out of my life.
While in my first job after college, I could have tried harder to resolve a conflict with a boss with a smothering personality, but instead I decided to leave a nice job that I enjoyed; this changed life for me and my family. Years later, when my uncontrolled bipolar was becoming more severe and I was having difficulty at a really good job, I convinced my family that leaving California and moving to a new life in Ohio was the right solution; the results were both positive and negative, but my mental problems remained.
I have had the desire to leave my family and run away by myself, usually when my mental health is at its worst. I have had deluded thoughts of simply disappearing someday by cashing out everything I can and taking a one-way trip somewhere. Sometimes I have a fantasy that I could become more involved with a friend and live in some faraway place. But in each of these scenarios, I know that I can’t leave my damaged psyche behind. Even if my friend were to run away with me to a cabin in the woods somewhere, I am pretty sure that my insecurities and personality flaws would surface soon, she would leave me behind to preserve her own sanity, and I would be completely alone and devastated.
The common threads in each of these examples include immaturity, emotional instability, delusional thinking, feeling overwhelmed, and looking for an escape route that didn’t involve work to improve the current situation. My mental illness deserves a lot of the blame, but I know I could have tried harder to handle things differently. I can’t count the number of times in life I have thought I could escape my problems and have a fresh start by changing things – different friends, different college, different job, different house, different state, different therapists or doctors. But throwing things and people away in the hopes of changing my life has only resulted in damaged relationships, hurt feelings, lost opportunities, financial difficulty, and lots of regret. You would think I have learned my lesson by now, but sometimes I’m not too sure.
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