what’s on my mind

It looks like my blog has been abandoned, but that’s not the case. I have been very busy and mentally exhausted most of the past three to four weeks, and I have not had time or energy to sit and write something coherent. I never seem to find the intersection between solitude, motivation, and creativity. That doesn’t mean I don’t have thoughts; oh yeah, I’ve got thoughts on many topics. I’m great at overthinking, obsessing, and hyper-fixating on things that don’t really matter while important things collect dust on my desk and in my brain.

Having said that, here are some things that have occupied my mind lately:

I’ve been obsessing about growing grass. After replacing our septic system in August, a large portion of our backyard was left a muddy and rocky wasteland. I rented a small tractor and an attachment to groom the soil, then planted seed and covered the seed with straw mulch. Currently there are little green seedlings reaching for the sky, and I think it will look pretty good before the cold weather sets in.

I visited the Air Force museum in Dayton. It was very impressive, but also thought provoking. I was looking at planes and talking to a few guides, but then I found the “missile room”. The missiles stand tall, witness to the possibility of destroying nations in a nuclear war, with millions of people dead as a result of collateral damage. This led to deep thoughts and the possibility of a short story. Hopefully I can expand on that in the future.

While in Dayton, I started feeling sick, and by the time I was home I felt pretty poor. The next morning I felt like I was hit by a bus. The sudden onset of typical symptoms made me think I had finally caught Covid. I contacted my doctor’s office and got a lab test, then just out of curiosity I took an at-home test; it was negative. The next morning, the lab contacted me and said I was negative for Covid, Flu A, and Flu B. Regardless, I had to work from home for the entire week because I felt like I was contagious with whatever I had. When I finally went to the office a week later. it turned out that several people had missed time due to Covid. Based on that, I’m assuming I am no longer Covid-free in ‘23.

Another issue was the anxiety and twitchiness I had previous to the Dayton trip. I saw my psychiatrist, and he thinks I have Tardive Dyskinesia. After getting samples from the doctor, I had to jump through several hoops with my insurance, the manufacturer, and a rare-medicine mail-order pharmacy. It’s an expensive drug, but the manufacturer has a copay discount program. After taking the drug for about three weeks, I’m still a little twitchy and I’m still having movement problems. I’m unsure about the TD diagnosis, but I’ll ask the doctor about it. I’m wondering if it is autistic stimming that has become more bothersome as I become less able to mask and control it. I think my biggest source of anxiety is not from mood swings, but from the struggle to hide my issues from everyone.

I’m switching cubicles at work for several reasons – distractions and loud conversations near my current cube, and a desire to just be quieter and less social in the office. I’m really tired of switching on and off depending on who is at my desk trying to talk to me. I’m at the limit of my ability to concentrate on my job because of ADHD and depression and moving all the time. I am moving to a quiet corner with tall walls, and I am hoping it will make a big difference. All I want to do is go to the office, concentrate on improving the quality of my work, avoid conversation as much as possible, then go home and relax.

The company had a remote seminar about hidden disabilities, and I listened in to see if I could learn anything. I struggle with this because I feel like I have multiple issues, and I need accommodations, but I’m not disabled enough to be disabled. I’m wondering about what would happen if I was diagnosed with autism and I disclosed that at work. They talked about using the anonymous employing assistance program to determine what accommodations the company might be able to provide. The risk for me is that the company would argue that I’m a safety hazard in my job description. That makes no sense for an office employee, but it’s the reality I face.

I’m also thinking about the realization I am neurodivergent (as is my daughter and maybe my son (more about that in a future post). My therapist (who I have not seen for two months since she is on maternity leave) says I need to accept who I am and learn to work with it. The problem is that I still want to hide it from everyone, including myself. Is that unhealthy, or maybe is it internally directed ableism? When I reach my limitations, I feel angry, guilty, and ashamed when I can’t manage everything. As long as I feel that way, I’m never going to be able to deal with my issues in a constructive way.

I also have physical aches and pains as I get older. I have to face the fact that there are some things I will never be able to do, and that is frustrating. I feel like I’m getting less healthy every day, and I’m not doing anything about it. I care, but I don’t seem to care enough. Will I get old and feeble, will I have a debilitating illness, or will I make an exit how and when I choose?

There are always financial concerns, and I think a lot about getting things set up for my family for when I am no longer alive. I feel like I won’t make it towards retirement unless I make changes, and maybe not even then. My son is basically independent now, but he needs investment advice so he is prepared for his future.

Finally, I had a dream about some high school friends. We might not be friends today, but if we were it would be uncomfortable for me. I am such a different person than I was in high school – I’m more bitter and weary, more neurotic, more aware of my problems and my mental health, and more aware of autism and everything that brings with it. I don’t know if my old friends would recognize me or want to be around me. My friend Lena, who was always kind and forgiving, would probably be the exception – she would have lost the immature behaviors and kept the grace and beauty she always had.

Well then. That’s a lot of words, but I have a lot on my mind. I’ve got work and office distractions, the music always present in my head, the movement disorder, dealing with autism, worrying about my daughter’s problems, paying attention to the baseball playoffs, going to concerts and museums, trying to make sure my new grass gets watered, and obsessive thinking about everything going on.

Hopefully things calm down a little and I’ll get more chances to write something, even if I don’t post it.